


Sister, I can't let you go.

by bythehighwayside



Series: Tumblr Drabbles [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Nothing actually happens while Sam's underage, Stanford Era (Supernatural), Suicidal Ideation, This is mostly about thoughts lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:07:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27902719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bythehighwayside/pseuds/bythehighwayside
Summary: Sam leaving cuts holes in Dean, leaves him bleeding in places he didn’t know could bleed, hollows out the space between his ribs, until he’s dying on motel room floors between hunts, until he wants Sam in any and every way he can get him.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Series: Tumblr Drabbles [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2043190
Kudos: 34





	Sister, I can't let you go.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Desire by U2

Dean knows how Sam feels about him, has known since Sam turned fourteen and started stealing Dean’s t-shirts, wearing them to bed and jerking off in them after he thought Dean was asleep. And Sam, Sam was still just a kid, Dean didn’t - _couldn’t_ \- feel the same way. But it didn’t bother him. And maybe that should have tripped an alarm somewhere, but it was Sam, and if he wanted something Dean would never be bothered by it.

When Sam leaves for Stanford he looks at Dean with those puppy eyes, begging him, _come with me_ , or, _give me a reason to stay_. And Dean thinks about it. He could say, “But I love you,” and make Sam believe it was in the way he wanted. And for the low price of having sex with his brother, Dean could keep Sam with him forever. But Sam wants to go, Sam _should_ go, and Dean doesn’t say anything.

Sam leaving cuts holes in Dean, leaves him bleeding in places he didn’t know could bleed, hollows out the space between his ribs until he’s dying on motel room floors between hunts, drowning in a fifth of whatever’s cheapest. Until he wants Sam in any and every way he can get him. It isn’t about wanting sex. It’s about wanting be skin to skin with Sam until they become the one body they always should have been. It’s about wanting Sam as inside of him physically as he’s inside of Dean’s head, driving him mad.

And then they’re back on the road again, back together. And Sam’s back to breathing all damp and heavy in next bed, and now Dean can breath again too. But Sam’s gonna leave him again, Sam’s gonna leave him again, _Sam’s gonna leave him_. And then Dad dies, and Dean can’t lose his whole family, he’ll lose his goddamn mind if he loses Sam too, so he kisses him. He kisses Sam because it’s what he wants, and he kisses Sam because it’s what Sam wants, and Sam lets go of him and says, “Don’t do this for me, you don’t want me.”

But he doesn’t seem to understand that it doesn’t matter that Sam’s the one who wants Dean, because Dean is the one in love, Dean is the one who might shove a shotgun in his mouth if Sam leaves him again, and he says, “I need you, Sam.” And Sam is only one man. He isn’t strong enough to let go of Dean again.

So that night they fall asleep in one bed, skin on skin, and Dean’s got Sam’s arms looped heavy around his waist, has his nose pressed in against Sam’s neck, and Sam says, “I’ve wanted you since I was fourteen.”

And Dean thinks, _I know,_ but he says, “No kidding?” and Sam swallows hard.

He says, “I wouldn’t - I wouldn’t’ve left you behind, Dean. Back then, if I knew you felt the same way, I would’ve done something, we could’ve worked something out.”

And Dean says, “Well, you’re here now,” but he thinks, _I know_.

“I’m not going to leave you again,” Sam says, _and_ _what a low price to pay,_ Dean thinks. And it’s wrong, Dean knows that, letting his brother think the way they feel is the same, when all Dean wants is soul, and body is just something he’ll take to get it. Letting Sam think that the lust flushing Dean’s skin and blowing his eyes dark is about sex, and not about keeping what he can’t live without. It’s wrong, letting Sam believe that. But Dean, Dean is only one man. He isn’t strong enough to let go of Sam again.


End file.
